Shame

I have always thought of shame in the context of sexuality. That anything that had to do with shame, had to do with sex. Whether is was porn, sex, fooling around, or whatever label you want to put on it. I used to feel tremendous amounts of shame over things that I had done as a teenager and into my 20’s. I overcame that. Through a lot of prayer, forgiving myself, and talking about it with others who were safe and didn’t judge me, but showed me love and empathy.

So imagine my surprise when I am listening to an audiobook, Daring Greatly by Dr Brene Brown, and I have found myself sobbing 3 times before I am even half way through the book. Imagine my confusion when I realize that my friend who is a family counselor recommended this book, knowing that I was having tremendous amounts of anger, and this book is on shame. In the book she describes that, especially in men, a lot of anger comes from fear, which comes from shame. She began to specifically name things that I had been feeling, and thinking.

I began to dig in to this whole shame thing and I watched a seminar that Dr/Bishop Chester Wright has available on YouTube, Shame. I watched several videos from Dr Gerald Jeffers where he talks about shame, and sure enough, I am in a full on shame spiral. Shame was out of control in my life. I was stressed, anxious, and worrying (fear) all the time. I was raging, yelling, irritable and angry all the time. It all came from ” Not being ___________ enough” Shame.

Shame wants us to believe that we aren’t _____________ enough. You fill in the blank. I throw the word good in that blank a lot. But there are a lot of other words I throw in there as well. I felt like I was always working from a deficit. I was always feeling like I was lacking.

I am still working at overcoming these feelings and thoughts. It is harder than before, and a lot sneakier. I am not at a point where I just never deal with shame. There are what Dr Brown calls “shame triggers” that still get me. If I am not careful, they will even get me to act out and make a fool of myself.

Two things she says in her book that have helped me out tremendously, “shame can’t survive being spoken… and being met with empathy.” Whenever something is causing me to feel shame, and I can usually tell because I get defensive, I confess that it is causing me to feel that way. Whether it is outloud or just to myself, I say it. “This is causing me to feel shame.” That is one of the ways I am overcoming this debilitating shame.

*I am not a doctor, or anything remotely resembling a doctor. I’m just sharing what has helped me. Your experience might be different and thats okay. I just want to help where and how I can. I am in knowing saying I can solve your problems, or have all the answers. (Insert loving smiley face here)