Identity ReDefined

Looking back over my life, I see several times where circumstances have defined who I am. I see things in my life that have created this definition of who it has meant to be Jared. I think about the amount of people in my family, and the people I grew up around who are or were overweight and unhealthy, and how it defined how I saw myself. I think about the innumerable times I was bullied. I think about how young I was when older kids introduced me to pornography, and how sexual it made everything, for so many years. I think about how I was taught about finances, God, family, friends and more.

I think about all of this programming, some of it was good and right, some of it wasn’t. But, it has created my identity, and I am not at peace with what my identity has been. I am at a place where I can let that remain my identity, or I can decide it should be something different.

I can’t move forward with an old identity. I can’t step into the future with a past identity. Ryan Neer explained it this way, “If you go into the Promised Land with a manna mentality, you will starve to death.” I know this may be lost on some, but essentially, the Promised Land was a land of conquering, of work, of battles and wars. In the wilderness, the Israelites (Bible; Old Testament) didn’t have to really do anything, they were supernaturally fed and provided for. So, if they just expected everything to be handed to them, they would starve to death.

That is exactly how I feel, if I walk forward in my old identity, it is a death sentence. My identity is being redefined. How do I redefine my identity? This has been my question and struggle for the last year and a half. I have made some discoveries.

The first one and it is a big one, is Identifying Areas Of Limiting Beliefs. The process doesn’t even begin until you identify the areas that need changed. Your life might get really ugly to expose these areas. For instance, it isn’t enjoyable to discover shame and fear in yourself. It isn’t fun because it requires you to really, really, feel those feelings all over again.

You have to feel, you can’t help but feel, unless you’re a sociopath. Then disregard this and go find a doctor, seriously. There are all kinds of studies by professionals that are showing, that you actually feel stuff before you and cognitively aware of it. You feel first then think. When you feel this stuff, you have to identify it. Name it. Consciously say, “I am feeling ______.”

Then, determine if that is actually how you want to feel. If it isn’t, then begin to act how you want to feel. Radically change how your body is behaving. Notice if you are feeling, feelings of depression, fear, shame, or something similar, your body has physically changed. You are slumping, head down, etc. Remember we are not talking about this solving all depression, shame or whatever, we are talking about changing feelings. I am not a doctor telling you the cure for clinical depression. Physically change your expression in you body, straighten up, raise your chin, say to yourself, ” No, I feel _____.” There is an amazing TED talk on YouTube, showing the study how changing your posture, changes, not only how you feel, but changes how you act, without even realizing that, that is what you are doing.

Studies are showing that to really change behavior, it requires you change your actions first. Even if it is just small actions, that lead, eventually, to bigger sustained actions, which become behaviors and habits. For instance, if you want to feel more confident, pose like Superman (hands on hips, feet spread, shoulders back, chin up) for 2 minutes before doing a task that requires confidence. Then walk in and act like you have confidence, see what happens.

The thing about identity, it isn’t just defined by my actions, or behaviors, because I often do things I don’t want to. There are plenty of times I eat something that isn’t good for my body or brain, and I feel bad for eating it. But, it doesn’t change my identity. But there does need to be consistency and fluidity in who I want to be and my actions. My actions can’t be in constant conflict with my identity. That is why there is  such importance placed on actions and behaviors.

How would a loving spouse act? How would a loving parent act? How would a great sales professional act? How would a world-class ________ act? Try acting that way. Just try it.

Again I am not a doctor, I am not trying to cure anything. Just offering some things I have read that have helped me personally. There is no shame in seeking help from qualified professionals. There is no shame in seeking help from loving, caring friends either. Also, I am very aware that this barely scratches the surface of this topic.

TED Talk on posing: https://youtu.be/Ks-_Mh1QhMc

TED Talk on chnging habits: https://youtu.be/5WaToiunuWY

Article on emotions/feelings and decision making: Like it Or Not, Emotions Will Drive the Decisions … – Psychology Today