I think the worst thing about shame, is that whenever you get shamed in further intrenches you in your shame. Shaming someone who is dealing with shame has never and will never get them out of shame.
I always confused shame and guilt. Guilt is a good thing, it is about action. What you did was wrong. Shame says who you are is wrong. this isn’t just a play on words, it is a massively different thing. It is a lot easier to change actions than identity. Shame would have you believe that you can’t change your actions because that is, “just who you are.”
Shame is debilitating. Shame stops us. Shame shuts us up. Shame causes us to be defensive, passive aggressive, hurtful, easily hurt, aggressive, passive, apathetic, angry, fearful, stressed, anxious, and confused just to name very few.
Shame isn’t always in the context of sexuality either.
When I was young my family didn’t have much money and I wore my brothers clothes that he had grown out of. My brother is 5 years older, and quite a bit taller than I am, so his clothes never fit me. I was also very short for my age and slender. I was picked on and bullied.
Also, I wanted to be my dad. Yeah you read that right. I didn’t want to be LIKE my dad, I wanted to BE my dad. So I never, ever felt good enough, because I wasn’t him. Every hero I had, I want to be them. I wanted to do what they did, receive the accolades they received, get the glory I thought they were getting, and just generally be as awesome as I perceived them to be.
As a result, I always felt inadequate and had my stories as to why I would never amount to anything. None of this happened consciously, I was never aware that this is what was happening inside of me. It is only after years of reflection that I have discovered this about myself.
Those feelings are intense, to the point of being completely debilitating. It causes me to shut down, and not be able to do anything. Then I get fearful because I also have big dreams and I get afraid that I will never get to see them come true. And then, I get angry and lash out.
The point, for me, is to recognize the shame early on and handle it. To punch it right in the face. Practicing empathy has encouraged others to show me empathy in return, because we are all going through “stuff.”
*I am not a doctor or anything resembling a doctor. I just want to share my story and help as many people as I can, however I can.
jareddoran 